Tina Fey Quotes

The cover story of New York Magazine this week is "Baby Panic". This goes perfectly with the other magazines on my coffee table - "Where Are The Babies?" (US), "Why Haven`t You Had A Baby?" (People) and "For God`s Sake Have A Baby" (Time). Thanks, Time magazine, this is just what I need - another article so depressing that I can actually hear my ovaries curling up.

Prostitutes in Lyons, France, sent a fax to the government to complain that they are losing business to Eastern European women who are protected by the Albanian mafia. Okay, first of all, how rough-looking are these French prostitutes that all their customers are running to the Albanians? Secondly, why did they send a fax, and from whence? Do they have a fax machine in the whorehouse, or did they all trundle down to Kinko`s - "You fax these, I`ll let you shave me." Thirdly, how come French whores know how to work a fax machine, but every time I try to use it, I hit Powersave, or I forget to dial 9? This just proves what my boyfriend always says - that I am dumber than a French whore.

(on her six-week maternity leave) I had to get back to work . . . NBC has me under contract; the baby and I only have a verbal agreement.

(On Matthew McConaughey) He was always taking his shirt off, he`s like "Yeah, here`s my deal, I`m hot." We had a meeting one day at like 11 o`clock, right before the show and he walks into the meeting shirtless wearing this like old musty sarong... He doesn`t smell great, no.

(On Paris Hilton) She`s a piece of shit. The people at "SNL" were like "Maybe she`ll be fun, maybe she won`t take herself so seriously". She takes herself so seriously! She`s unbelievably dumb and so proud of how dumb she is. She looks like a tranny up close... Also, you would walk down the hall and find what just looked like nasty wads of Barbie hair on the stairs... Her hair is like a Fraggle.

On the idea of future Sarah Palin SNL skits: "I want to be done playing this lady Nov. 5. So, if anybody can help me be done playing this lady Nov. 5, that would be good for me."

Most of the time you`re too busy to think about it. But every now and then you say, `I work at "Saturday Night Live," and that is so cool.

The first time I went to see a Second City show, I was in awe of everything. I just wanted to touch the same stage that Gilda Radner had walked on. It was sacred ground.

If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs.

An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women`s Affairs. Man, who`d she have to show here ankles to to get that job?

I think if you ask any of us here, we all dreamed of ending up on Saturday Night Live. I remember thinking, `I`ll just keep doing this as long as I can get away with it.`

Yeah, it`s tough being smart and sexy, too. I have to say, I`m really not that attractive. Until I met my husband, I could not get a date. I promise you it`s true. My husband Jeff Richmond saw a diamond in the rough and took me in.

I was the editor of the school newspaper and in drama club and choir, so I was not a popular girl in the traditional sense, but I think I was known for being relatively scathing.

A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby`s temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who`s boss.

Somewhere around the fifth or seventh grade I figured out that I could ingratiate myself to people by making them laugh. Essentially, I was just trying to make them like me. But after a while it became part of my identity.