Steven Wright Quotes

You can`t have everything. Where would you put it?

What`s another word for Thesaurus?

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, `Do I know you?`

It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.

I have an existential map. It has `You are here` written all over it.

I bought some batteries, but they weren`t included.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn`t park anywhere near the place.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

There`s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, `Did you sleep good?` I said `No, I made a few mistakes.`

It doesn`t make a difference what temperature a room is, it`s always room temperature.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I bought some batteries, but they weren`t included.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I`m afraid of widths.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.