What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.
I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you are an idiot.
All I`ve ever wanted was an honest week`s pay for an honest day`s work.
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
I lost 20 pounds - actually, I lost 25 pounds, but then I gained 5 back because I was too skinny. I didn`t change what I ate, I just started eating smaller portions. And I cut out bread - that`s the real killer, because I was reaching in and eating half a loaf before dinner arrived. All you have to do is that, and then you can drink all you want.
I wrote a novel this year called "Shop Girl", and several producers came to me and wanted to turn it into a movie. And I said, "If you think you`re going to take this book and change it around, and Hollywoodize it and change the ending . . . that`s going to cost you."
(while hosting The 73rd Annual Academy Awards (2001) (TV)) And now, I`m pleased to introduce the star of the film Gladiator (2000), and a man I like to call a close, personal friend, but he told me not to . . .
Chaos in the midst of chaos isn`t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.
(From People Magazine, 5/20/03, in which he was listed as one of the 50 Most Beautiful People in the World) It`s very hard being one of the most beautiful people. Having this kind of beauty is actually a burden. Sometimes I go to a party and not one of the other 49 most beautiful people is there. That makes me feel very solitary and alone, because it means I am the most beautiful person in the room. If I`m going to a party where I know there will be "less-beautiful people," I try to "dress down" in order to hide my beauty. But this seems to have a counter-effect of actually making me more beautiful. I guess me and dungarees are a pretty potent combination. I try not to lord my beauty over others. This is very hard. I try not to mention that I am one of the most beautiful people, but somehow it always comes out. I will usually only bring it up when I`m asked to do a task, like open a garage door. People seem to enjoy my beauty and are genuinely happy for me, because after I mention it they always say, "How nice for you."
The greatest thing you can do is surprise yourself.
What is a movie star? A movie star is many things. They can be tall, short, thin, or skinny. They can be Democrats . . . or skinny.
I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural, and wholesome thing that money can buy.
(upon receiving a particularly unremarkable award) When I first found out that I was going to win this award, I tried really hard - to care. And then I realized; we are all here tonight, because of a common love: me.
I`ve written a lot about L.A., and I always describe it as beautiful. To me, human relationships can be sad, can be exhilarating - but it`s not a product of the city. And it takes different forms. Like, in New York, you`re always with people. You can`t go outdoors, you can`t go into the subway, you can`t go anywhere without running into people you don`t know. But in L.A., you really have to work a bit to be exposed. You have to be standing in a shop, you have to join a club, or join a community service thing, or go to a nightclub in order to meet people. Because there`s not the same transitory proximity to other people.
There`s a big difference between the National Book Awards and the Academy Awards. At the Academy Awards you can feel the greed and envy and ego. Whereas the National Book Awards are in New York.
Comedians don`t get Oscars, so I gave up on that a long time ago. And I can`t really speak about the Oscar-worthiness of my own performance.
You know what your problem is, it`s that you haven`t seen enough movies - all of life`s riddles are answered in the movies.
Love is a promise delivered already broken.
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Don`t have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.