Stephen Wright Quotes

I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious!

I have an existential map; it has `you are here` written all over it

I got up one morning and couldn`t find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can`t find my socks." She said, "They`re behind the couch." And they were!

You can`t have everything. Where would you put it?

I`m writing a book. I`ve got the page numbers done.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you`re open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I`ve been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

There`s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.