Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

Life is just a bowl of pits.

My wife`s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit (back in 1949), I was the only one who knew I quit.

In a 1986 interview, he explained the origin of his "respect" trademark: "I had this joke: `I played hide and seek; they wouldn`t even look for me.` To make it work better, you look for something to put in front of it: I was so poor, I was so dumb, so this, so that. I thought, `Now what fits that joke?` Well, `No one liked me` was all right. But then I thought, a more profound thing would be, `I get no respect.`"

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I haven`t spoken to my wife in years. I didn`t want to interrupt her.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I don`t get no respect!

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I`m very lucky. Years ago they had images, like W.C. Fields, Laurel and Hardy, Groucho Marx. But today, I think I`m the only one around with an image. And that image is something everyone identified with. They all feel life treated `em wrong and they got no respect.

A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there`s nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

Entered a Los Angeles hospital on August 24, 2004 in preparation for heart valve replacement surgery. Before entering the hospital, he said, "If things go right, I`ll be there about a week, and if things don`t go right, I`ll be there about an hour and a half."

Its lonely on the top when there`s no one on the bottom.

If it weren`t for pickpockets, I`d have no sex life at all.

My wife was afraid of the dark, saw me naked, now she`s afraid of the light!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face .... turned me over and said. Look ... twins!

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet.

I told my doctor that when I woke up in the morning I couldn`t stand looking at myself in the mirror. He said, `At least we know your vision is perfect.`

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they`re the last to know.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I haven`t spoken to my wife in years. I didn`t want to interrupt her.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I`m so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.