P.J. O'Rourke Quotes

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Very little is known of the Canadian country since it is rarely visited by anyone but the Queen and illiterate sport fishermen.

Drugs have taught an entire generation of Americans the metric system.

A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them.

The purpose of a funeral service is to comfort the living. It is important at a funeral to display excessive grief. This will show others how kind-hearted and loving you are and their improved opinion of you will be very comforting.

Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is.

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.

Never fight an inanimate object.

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.

The U.S. Constitution is less than a quarter the length of the owner`s manual for a 1998 Toyota Camry, and yet it has managed to keep 300 million of the world`s most unruly, passionate and energetic people safe, prosperous and free.

A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.

There`s a whiff of the lynch mob or the lemming migration about any overlarge concentration of like-thinking individuals, no matter how virtuous their cause.

With Epcot Center the Disney corporation has accomplished something I didn`t think possible in today`s world. They have created a land of make-believe that`s worse than regular life.

The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.

Skiing consists of wearing $3,000 worth of clothes and equipment and driving 200 miles in the snow in order to stand around at a bar and drink.

The weirder you are going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

Never wear anything that panics the cat.

Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

Never fight an inanimate object.

You can`t get rid of poverty by giving people money.

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn`t work and then they get elected and prove it.

Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us.