Mitch Hedberg Quotes

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I`ll never be as good as a wall.

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I don`t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who`d be mad at me for saying that.

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I`m gonna put pins into all the locations that I`ve traveled to. But first, I`m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won`t fall down.

I like rice. Rice is great if you`re hungry and want 2000 of something.

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car`s headlights and tell you exactly which way it`s coming.

With a stop light, green means `go` and yellow means `slow down`. With a banana, however, it is quite the opposite. Yellow means `go`, green means `whoa, slow down`, and red means `where the heck did you get that banana?`

I don`t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say `Mitch,` and I say `what?` and turn my head slightly.

I like to play blackjack. I`m not addicted to gambling, I`m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I`m sick of following my dreams. I`m just going to ask them where they`re going and hook up with them later.

You know, you can`t please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.

I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all you do is say what the shit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh. Well, that`s a fresher....I`m going on break.

My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got halfway. She`s an actress, she`s just never called to the set.

Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don`t do it. One day I`m gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That`s ridiculous, but it`s true. I always fight with wearing a beret.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there`s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, `I`m gonna go shave, too.`

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said `I hear music,` as though there`s any other way to take it in. `You`re not special. That`s how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work.`

I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That`s a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slammed the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick?

Sometimes I wave to people I don`t know. It`s very dangerous to wave to someone you don`t know, because what if they don`t have a hand? They`ll think you`re cocky. `Look what I got... This thing is useful. I`m gonna go pick somethin` up.`

I mumble a lot off-stage, I`m a mumbler. If I`m walking with a friend and I say something, he won`t hear me, he`ll say `What?`. So I`ll say it again, but once again he doesn`t hear me, so he says `What?`. But really it`s just some insignificant sh*t that I`m saying, but now I`m yelling, `That tree is far away.`

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It`s a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load his shit into a truck.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it`s the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn`t sound right.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said `No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.`

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That`s like a free compliment and you don`t even gotta be smart to notice it.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide...

I wrote a letter to my dad, I was going to write `I really enjoyed being here`, but I accidentally wrote `rarely` instead of `really`. But I wanted to use it, I didn`t want to cross it out, so I wrote `I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There`s a lot of sh*t you don`t know about me. Quit trying to act like I`m a steamboat operator.` I know this letter took a harsh turn right away.

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...

I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? Then he said How many of you feel like animals? And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don`t need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don`t need to bring ink and paper into this. I can`t imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, `Don`t even act like I didn`t get that doughnut, I`ve got the documentation right here... It`s in my file at home. ...Under "D".`

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.