Matt Groening Quotes

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

Good things don`t end in `eum,` they end in `mania`...or `teria`.

There`s an empty spot I`ve always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.

I`m better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can`t compete with that stuff.

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that`s even remotely true!

I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.

I`m not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I`m going to Hell?

The history of TV has traditionally been not to do anything that would scandalize Grandma or upset Junior. Our solution on The Simpsons is to do jokes that people who have an education, or some frame of reference, can get. And for the ones who don`t, it doesn`t matter, because we have Homer banging his head and saying, `D`oh!`

Commenting on the Simpsons bar Moe`s Tavern and taverns in general: "I was always frightened by taverns. They just seemed like very unpleasant places to go. And there is nothing nice about Moe`s Tavern. It`s just a creepy, dark place. And there are never any women in there."

I`m a writer who just happens to draw

I`ll keep it short and sweet -- Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

If it doesn`t have Siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair.

Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?

If something is too hard to do, then it`s not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we`ll go inside and watch TV.

I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.

What good is money if it can`t inspire terror in your fellow man?

How could you?! Haven`t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn`t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

I can`t believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!

Donuts. Is there anything they can`t do?

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It`s what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

On the (Simpsons) TV show, a joke has to pass muster about 100 times before it gets on the air. On the movie, it`s probably 1,000 times. There are jokes that were funny the first 350 times, and then, the 351st time, we go, `Ah, I`m kinda tired of that`, so we change it. And what stays in are the most obvious, dumb, visceral, knee jerk, mayhem gags. Any time a character falls down, gets kicked in the face, hit in the head... anything involving head injuries. We work so hard on the wittiest dialog, involving sophisticated references to books and movies, and then what gets a laugh is Homer belching after drinking beer. It keeps you humble.

Aren`t we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.

Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.

Cartooning is for people who can`t quite draw and can`t quite write. You combine the two half-talents and come up with a career.

To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life`s problems.

All right, brain, you don`t like me, and I don`t like you, but let`s just get me through this, and I can get back to killing you with beer.

Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.

All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say `Yo Goober! Where`s the meat!?` I`m trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don`t win friends with salad.

(when asked "Is there a God?") "If there is, all evidence indicates that He hates me."

I`m a level 5 vegan, I don`t eat anything that casts a shadow.

Me fail english? Thats unpossible.

I don`t have to be careful, I`ve got a gun

When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.

Here`s to alcohol: the cause of, and answer to, all of life`s problems.