Mark Twain Quotes
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.
Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.
A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable.
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man`s I mean.
I don`t give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have, the man looked honest enough.
Don`t part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn`t.
Education: that which reveals to the wise, and conceals from the stupid, the vast limits of their knowledge.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been done before. An American is a person who does things because they haven`t been done before.
I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won`t.
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Do something every day that you don`t want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.
I didn`t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.
Don`t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.
The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
It`s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself.
Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
The trouble with you Chicago people is that you think you are the best people down here, whereas you are merely the most numerous.
Often, the less there is to justify a traditional custom, the harder it is to get rid of it.
Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination
Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
The cat, having sat upon a hot stove lid, will not sit upon a hot stove lid again. But he won`t sit upon a cold stove lid, either.
Don`t go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first
I didn`t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
True irreverence is disrespect for another man`s god
Irreverence is the champion of liberty and its only sure defense
The man who is a pessimist before forty-eight knows too much; if he is an optimist after it he knows too little
There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice.
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
While the rest of the species is descended from apes, redheads are descended from cats.
Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
It is easier to stay out than get out.
Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
Books are for people who wish they were somewhere else.
Be good and you will be lonely
I didn`t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don`t want, drink what you don`t like, and do what you`d rather not.
He gossips habitually; he lacks the common wisdom to keep still that deadly enemy of man, his own tongue
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess
I deal with temptation by yielding to it
It is curious - curious that physical courage should be so common in the world, and moral courage so rare
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
Etiquette requires us to admire the human race
It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress.
Time cools, time clarifies; no mood can be maintained quite unaltered through the course of hours.
Circumstance - which moves by laws of its own, regardless of parties and policies, and whose decrees are final and must be obeyed by all - and will be
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.
When in doubt, tell the truth.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don`t mind, it doesn`t matter.
When angry, count to four. When very angry, swear.
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he`d learned in seven years.
Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
In Boston they ask, how much does he know? In New York, how much is he worth? In Philadelphia, who were his parents?
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.
Better a broken promise than none at all.
I have no color prejudices nor caste prejudices nor creed prejudices. All I care to know is that a man is a human being, and that is enough for me; he can`t be any worse.
The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them.
By the etiquette of war, it is permitted to none below the rank of newspaper correspondent to dictate to the general in the field
There comes a time in every rightly constructed boy`s life that he has a raging desire to go somewhere and dig for hidden treasure
Do something everyday that you don`t want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.
Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the and the blind can see
It`s easy to quit smoking. I`ve done it hundreds of times.
If you tell the truth you don`t have to remember anything.
We can secure other people`s approval, if we do right and try hard; but our own is worth a hundred of it, and no way has been found out of securing that
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don`t mind, it doesn`t matter.
I have no race prejudice. I think I have no color prejudices or caste prejudices nor creed prejudices. Indeed, I know it. I can stand any society. All that I care to know is that a man is a human being -- that is enough for me; he can`t be any worse.
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
I`m glad I did it, partly because it was worth it, but mostly because I shall never have to do it again
Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.
How empty is theory in the presence of fact
There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
Frankness is a jewel; only the young can afford it
Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.
There are no grades of vanity, there are only grades of ability in concealing it
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
Fortune knocks at every man`s door once in a life, but in a good many cases the man is in a neighboring saloon and does not hear her
The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter.
Prophecy: Two bull`s eyes out of a possible million
Accident is the name of the greatest of all inventors.
Denial ain`t just a river in Egypt.
A human being has a natural desire to have more of a good thing than he needs.
Keep away from those who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you believe that you too can become great.
Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness.
Hunger is the handmaid of genius
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.
Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.
The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.
The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.
One mustn`t criticize other people on grounds where he can`t stand perpendicular himself
It is more trouble to make a maxim than it is to do right
History doesn`t repeat itself - at best it sometimes rhymes
There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one: keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy
Humor is mankind`s greatest blessing.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.
Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
Diligence is a good thing, but taking things easy is much more restful
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
The man that sets out to carry a cat by it`s tail learns something that will always be useful and which will never grow dim or doubtful.
Necessity is the mother of "taking chances"
A man cannot be uncomfortable without his own approval
Familiarity breeds contempt. How accurate that is. The reason we hold truth in such respect is because we have so little opportunity to get familiar with it.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Sacred cows make the best hamburger
Pity is for the living, envy is for the dead
The offspring of riches: Pride, vanity, ostentation, arrogance, tyranny
Really great people make you feel that you, too, can become great.
Do your duty today and repent tomorrow
The history of our race, and each individual`s experience, are sown thick with evidence that a truth is not hard to kill and that a lie told well is immortal.
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.
Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
Man will do many things to get himself loved; he will do all things to get himself envied
Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.
Don`t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
Citizenship is what makes a republic; monarchies can get along without it
I never let schooling interfere with my education.
Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we."
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.
Be good and you will be lonesome
The universal brotherhood of man is our most precious possession.
We all live in the protection of certain cowardices which we call our principles.
There are people who think that honesty is always the best policy. This is a superstition; there are times when the appearance of it is worth six of it.
Conservatism is the blind and fear-filled worship of dead radicals
Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man`s, I mean.
Every one is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
We do no benevolences whose first benefit is not for ourselves
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
It is wiser to find out than to suppose
The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven, not man`s
The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn`t.
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.
A public library is the most enduring of memorials, the trustiest monument for the preservation of an event or a name or an affection; for it, and it only, is respected by wars and revolutions, and survives them
I think a compliment ought always to precede a complaint, where one is possible, because it softens resentment and insures for the complaint a courteous and gentle reception
Write without pay until somebody offers to pay
For business reasons, I must preserve the outward signs of sanity.
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not.
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy - give one and take ten
The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
You can`t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
