Johnny Carson Quotes

If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself

Talent alone won`t make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: `Are your ready

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.”

If variety if the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won`t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn`t grow up can be vice president

He couldn`t ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas

If it weren`t for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we`d still be eating frozen radio dinners

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off

The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money”

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.”

He`s so fat, he can be his own running mate

To this day I can`t get aroused until I see a pair of rubber dice hanging from the mirror

We have two kinds of air: regular and chunky style

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn`t grow up can be vice president.

For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Never continue in a job you don`t enjoy. If you`re happy in what you`re doing, you`ll like yourself, you`ll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.

If it weren`t for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we`d still be eating frozen radio dinners.

The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money

Your chances of getting struck by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!"

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

I now believe in reincarnation. Tonight`s monologue is going to come back as a dog.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

"In Los Angeles, the big story is that Police Chief Daryl Gates announced his retirement. It`ll be sometime next year. Why can`t a guy just retire without making a big deal of it?" - July 1991

"I can empathize with President (George Bush). I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over." - May 1991

On the secrecy behind his nightly monologue: "It`s always been a ritual with me. I don`t show it to Freddie (executive producer Frederick De Cordova) or Ed (sidekick Ed McMahon) or anybody. If you don`t show it to anybody, then you get fresh reactions."

To frequent guest Joan Embery, of The San Diego Zoo, after the marmoset she had brought had climbed on Carson`s head and urinated: "I`m glad you didn`t bring a baby elephant."

On speculation that ne was anti-social: "I couldn`t care less what anybody says about me. I live my life, especially my personal life, strictly for myself. I feel that is my right, and anybody who disagrees with that, that`s his business. Whatever you do, you`re going to be criticized. I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don`t hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business." - Playboy Magazine interview (conducted by Alex Haley), December 1967.

On his public persona: "I`m basically not a public person. It`s like (Jackie Gleason) said, `If you go out all the time to restaurants and so on, people say, "Oh, he`s everywhere," and if you stay home and eat dinner, they say, "Oh, he`s a recluse.

(On why "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson" (1962) avoided controversial topics) "I think it would be a fatal mistake to use my show as a platform for controversial issues. I`m an entertainer, not a commentator. If you`re a comedian your job is to make people laugh."

On the spontaneous nature of "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson" (1962): "I never analyze it. Analyzing it would just be a waste of time. I just go out and do it. Like George Burns said, `If it gets a laugh, it`s funny.

I wanted the show to make the most of being the last area of television that the medium originally was supposed to be - live, immediate entertainment. I decided the best thing I could do was forget trying to do a lot of pre-planning. It all boiled down to just going out there and being my natural self and seeing what would happen.

I`m often asked, `What is your favorite moment during the 30 years you hosted The Tonight Show?` I really don`t have just one. The times I enjoyed the most were the spontaneous, unplanned segments that just happened, like Ed Ames` infamous `Tomahawk Toss` that produced one of the longest laughs in television history. When these lucky moments happen, you just go with them and enjoy the experience and high of the moment.

"I have an ego like anybody else, but I don`t need to be stoked by going before the public all the time." - 1993 Washington Post interview

On late-night television programs: "We`re more effective than birth control pills."

"Find me any performer anywhere who isn`t egocentric. You`d better believe you`re good, or you`ve got no business being out there." - December 1967 Playboy interview

"It`s silly to have as one`s sole object in life just making money, accumulating wealth. I work because I enjoy what I`m doing, and the fact that I make money at it -- big money -- is a fine-and-dandy side fact. Money gives me just one big thing that`s really important, and that`s the freedom of not having to worry about money. I`m concerned about values -- moral, ethical, human values -- my own, other people`s, the country`s, the world`s values. Having money now gives me the freedom to worry about the things that really matter." - December 1967 Playboy interview

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won`t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved.

Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.

If it weren`t for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of the television, we`d still be eating frozen radio dinners.

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.