Jack Handy Quotes

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that`s another weakness

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I`m a coward.

If I ever get real rich, I hope I`m not real mean to poor people, like I am now

It`s true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don`t tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.

I`d like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there`s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other