George Carlin Quotes
If someone loves you and they leave and don`t come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.
I`m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I`m just not close enough to get the job done".
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.
I`m completely in favor of the separation of church and state. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
Don`t confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything`s gonna be all right.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
I`m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it`ll be much harder to detect.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I`m just not close enough to get the job done."
Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
There`s no present. There`s only the immediate future and the recent past.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.
I don`t have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
If it`s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I`d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
If acting was hard for me, I wouldn`t do it, it is something that I like to do.
I`m not afraid of heights, I`m just afraid of falling from them.
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn`t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
Most people are not particulary good at anything.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
I think it`s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
(March 1997) We use up words like "spiritual" so fast in this culture. Twenty years ago "spiritual" had a distinct meaning. But now there`s a lot of jack-off thinkers who just love to talk about the spiritual. And there is a lot of bogus -- is "bogosity" a word? It should be -- a lot of bogosity in these spiritual seekers. So you have to find another way to express it. I just call it "how I fit.
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don`t have as many people who believe it.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
It`s never just a game when you`re winning.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
I think it`s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it`s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it`s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where`s the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn`t mean the circus has left town.
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!
The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity
I do this real moron thing, it`s called thinking, and I`m not a very good Amercian because I like to form my own opionions.
Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is
When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things
Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac
