Erma Bombeck Quotes

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they`re not trying to keep up with you.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend-and he`s a priest.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me".

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

A friend doesn`t go on a diet because you are fat.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me.

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.

Skiing: I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That`s why dreamers are lonely.

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn`t danced on television.

I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food

I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

Don`t confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.