Ellen DeGeneres Quotes

You ask people why they have deer heads on the wall. They always say, Because it`s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother`s attractive, but I have photographs of her.

The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren`t any space aliens. We can`t be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we`re not all there is. If so, we`re in big trouble.

You say you`re sick and tired of hearing about me? I`ve got news for you: I`M sick and tired of hearing about me.

The `60s were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And, I don`t think it`s a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then like The Flying Nun" (1967).

Sometimes you can`t see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others.

I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. It`s been about two months since I`ve worked out. And I just don`t have the time. Which uh..is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh..and watch tv. And get a bone density test. And uh.. try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.

The way I see it... If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you`re doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too.

On hosting the Emmys after the 9/11 tragedy (November 4, 2001): "We`re told to go on living our lives as usual, because to do otherwise is to let the terrorists win, and really, what would upset the Taliban more than a gay woman wearing a suit in front of a room full of Jews?"

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, `Let there be light!` And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

On her love scene with Bill Pullman in Mr. Wrong (1996): "It`s a combination of Something Wild (1986), After Hours (1985) and Mary Poppins (1964)....if Mary Poppins were naked."

Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I`ve been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I`m happy I could give him work.

I don`t understand the sizes anymore. There`s a size zero, which I didn`t even know that they had. It must stand for: `Ohhh my God, you`re thin.`

For me, it`s that I contributed, ... That I`m on this planet doing some good and making people happy. That`s to me the most important thing, that my hour of television is positive and upbeat and an antidote for all the negative stuff going on in life.

I was coming home from kindergarten--well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It`s good for a kid to know how to make gloves.

They say you just stand over there, he`ll say thank you and you walk back off and that`s what I thought was gonna happen, but in my head, I had for five or six years known that he was gonna call me over.

Really, he called me that? Ellen Degenerate? I`ve been getting that since the fourth grade. I guess I`m happy I could give him work. (When told in an interview that, after she revealed her homosexuality, Jerry Falwell called her `Ellen Degenerate`.)

Sometimes the greatest things are the most embarrassing.

I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are. That`s where us gay people come from - you heterosexuals. - during her interview on "20/20" (1978).

The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was noone on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn`t sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn`t right. Two days later I sneezed.

Procrastination isn`t the problem, it`s the solution. So procrastinate now, don`t put it off.

I`d like to be more patient! I just want everything now. I`ve tried to meditate, but it`s really hard for me to stay still. I`d like to try to force myself to do it, because everybody says how wonderful meditation is for you, but I can`t shut my mind up. So patience and learning is the key. (Redbook, January 2006)

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She`s ninety-seven now, and we don`t know where the hell she is.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it`s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

I was in yoga the other day. I was in full lotus position. My chakras were all aligned. My mind is cleared of all clatter and I`m looking out of my third eye and everything that I`m supposed to be doing. It`s amazing what comes up, when you sit in that silence. `Mama keeps whites bright like the sunlight, Mama`s got the magic of Clorox 2.`

I`m a lesbian, an Aquarian, and a vegetarian.

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it`s worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

You have to have funny faces and words, you can`t just have words. It is a powerful thing, and I think that`s why it`s hard for people to imagine that women can do that, be that powerful.

I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they`re just, like, `I can`t believe you don`t remember me!" I`m like, `Oh Dad I`m sorry!`

People always ask me `Were you funny as a child?` Well, I was an accountant.

Sometimes when I am driving I get so angry at inconsiderate drivers that I want to scream at them. But then I remember how insignificant that is, and I thank God that I have a car and my health and gas. That was phrased wrong - normally you wouldn`t say, thank God I have gas.

There`s two things I`ve always wanted to do in my life. One is to host the Oscars. The second is to get a call from Laura Ziskin. You can imagine that day`s diary entry. - After receiving a call from Ziskin, producer of the 2007 Oscars, requesting that Ellen host.

I just like observing people-it`s something I`ve done ever since I was a kid, and I got really good at it. That`s a big part of why I became a comedian. My audience is filled with every kind of person you can imagine, and I love that. (Redbook, January 2006)

Every morning, I would come down to the kitchen and I would see myself making coffee and I would think `oh, she`s pretty`. (on what life would be like with an identical twin)

I look at anything in nature and how things work-the stars, the pyramids-and I can`t imagine that there`s not some kind of design to it all. There`s got to be something big that we don`t understand. I do believe in Jesus. I believe in being good to one another. Life is about spending our time here contributing and not taking away. That`s my faith. (Redbook, January 2006)

I don`t need a baby growing inside me for nine months. For one thing, there`s morning sickness. If I`m going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.

I`m a godmother, that`s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that`s cute, I taught her that.

People always ask me, `Were you funny as a child?` Well, no, I was an accountant.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She`s ninety-seven now, and we don`t know where the hell she is.