David Letterman Quotes

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

Show me Squid!

Each and every Thursday night, we like to go out in the audience of the Ed Sullivan Theater to play America`s Fastest Growing Quiz Sensation, Know Your Current Events.

The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.

You know, they don`t give these shows to chimps!

The weather so cold in New York right now. And when I walked through Central Park this morning, I saw a squirrel warming up his nuts!

There is no off position on the genius switch.

There`s no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.

(about the type of guests he likes) "I don`t care who you are, I don`t care what you do. If you have four funny stories, you can be a guest on this show. That`s what we`re looking for."

I got my lips chewed off by a dingo!

There`s not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth, who doesn`t enjoy a tasty beverage.

(on his close friend Jay Leno in 1986) "`Jay`s a master at getting the audience on his side. He`s able to communicate the idea that `Shouldn`t we, as a group, think this is absurd?` You immediately feel like he`s your ally".

If it wasn`t for the coffee, I`d have no identifiable personality whatsover.

We can all sleep easy at night knowing that somewhere at any given time, the Foo Fighters are out there fighting Foo.

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

I`m a wiseass and a smartass, and I always have been.

I wouldn`t give your troubles to a monkey on a rock.

(on his first show after the September 11th terrorist attacks) "It`s said they were motivated by religious fervor. And if you live to be a thousand, will that make any sense to you? Will that make any goddamn sense?"

I`m just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

In Hollywood, Oscar is king.

(on his move to the Westinghouse-owned CBS television network[) "I now have a lifetime`s supply of light bulbs."

New York now leads the world`s great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn`t make a sudden move.

(Jay Leno on Letterman) "Dave is one of the few performers who can say something real vicious and have it come across as a cute aside."

(on being called a non-voting Republican) "I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American."

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.

It`s very simple. There`s only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I`ve done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.

(on being a dad for the first time at 56) "By the time the child has trouble in life, you know, I`ll be dead. I`ll be long gone. By the time the kid`s out stealing cars, you know, Dad will be dead a few years."

If it weren`t for Johnny (Johnny Carson), I`d have no career.

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.