Ambrose Bierce Quotes

Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

Politics, n. Strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.

Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum (I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.)

To be positive: To be mistaken at the top of one`s voice.

Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.

Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one`s own opinion.

Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

There is nothing new under the sun but there are lots of old things we don`t know.

Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another`s resemblance to ourselves.

Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man`s head.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.

Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.

Success is the one unpardonable sin against our fellows.

Tenacity is a certain quality of the human hand in its relation to the coin of the realm. It attains its highest development in the hand of authority and is considered a serviceable equipment for a career in politics.

ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom it greatly affects in turn.

Infidel: In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does

FINANCE, n. The art or science of managing revenues and resources for the best advantage of the manager. The pronunciation of this word with the i long and the accent on the first syllable is one of America`s most precious discoveries and possessions.

The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.

Dawn: When men of reason go to bed.

Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.

Electricity seems destined to play a most important part in the arts and industries. The question of its economical application to some purposes is still unsettled, but experiment has already proved that it will propel a street car better than a gas

Acquaintance is a degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor and obscure, and intimate when he is rich and famous.

Self-denial is indulgence of a propensity to forego

Tariff: a scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer

Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited.

Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo

Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.

A bride is a woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

OBSESSED, p.p. Vexed by an evil spirit, like the Gadarene swine and other critics. Obsession was once more common than it is now. Arasthus tells of a peasant who was occupied by a different devil for every day in the week, and on Sundays by two. They were frequently seen, always walking in his shadow, when he had one, but were finally driven away by the village notary, a holy man; but they took the peasant with them, for he vanished utterly. A devil thrown out of a woman by the Archbishop of Rheims ran through the trees, pursued by a hundred persons, until the open country was reached, where by a leap higher than a church spire he escaped into a bird. A chaplain in Cromwell`s army exorcised a soldier`s obsessing devil by throwing the soldier into the water, when the devil came to the surface. The soldier, unfortunately, did not.

LONGEVITY, n. Uncommon extension of the fear of death.

Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization.

Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.

Electricity is the power that causes all natural phenomena not known to be caused by something else.

Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.

There are 4 kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

Income is the natural and rational gauge and measure of respectability.

Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

Education, n.: That which discloses the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.

Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.

Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.

Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.

Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.